Pull Down the Moon
by Fusako-hime
Summary: There are certain rules. These rules are absolute in order to maintain balance. But sometimes these rules are nothing but irritating hindrances. LaviKanda


_Disclaimer_: Don't own it. Simple as that.

_Warnings_: The following contains shounen-ai (male/male relations), minor lime (implied sex) and lots of angst. If none of these are to your liking, then it would probably be in your best interest not to continue. This piece also contains a hint of a spoiler for Kanda's background, but it's subtle. If you don't like spoilers then this is just another reason to hit that return button. Otherwise, enjoy.

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_You were always so fragile._

The sound of quiet conversation fills the room as the smell of food wafts through the large hall. Members of the Order, be they finders, exorcists or members of the science and research division, all come, eat their morning meal and then head off to whatever tasks they had to complete that day. Eager and yet fearful at the same time to get started on the work that lay ahead of them. All of them hoping that today will be another day that will advance their cause, not set it back.

And yet all this activity and commotion is lost to Kanda Yu. As per usual, the entire table around him is empty, for no one dares to get too close to the Japanese exorcist. There are many things upon entering the Order that one learns quickly in order to survive. Avoiding Kanda Yu at all costs is one of them.

But even with this as a standing fact, the lack of company is not the reason for the young man's distraction. The buckwheat noodles that usually make up almost every meal for the Japanese youth sit on the tray before him, forgotten as he continues to stare at the bandages that cover his left wrist. His expression is completely unreadable, or at least to those unacquainted with Kanda, his expression would be indistinguishable from any other time. But the emotion in his eyes betrays the calmness of his features...

So wrapped up in his thoughts, Kanda does not hear the footsteps as someone approaches. Nor does he notice the soft sigh of exasperation that escapes from the man now standing behind him. It isn't until he speaks that Kanda realizes someone is looking over his shoulder. Startled, he unconsciously pulls his injured hand to his chest, glaring back at the man who only offers a lopsided grin in return.

"Eating soba noodles, again, Yu?"

Receiving silence as an answer to his playful jibes is something Lavi, the Bookman's apprentice, is used to. Especially when it comes to Kanda Yu. It's better than the violent reactions he receives when he catches Kanda on one of his off-days. But upon seeing the bandages that cover his fellow exorcist's wrist, the lopsided grin slowly fades, even though Lavi does his best to keep a playful tone to his voice.

"You're injured. Oh, that's right...you always find ways to hurt yourself, don't you."

A statement. Not a question.

"Is it serious?"

A quiet snort escapes from the long-haired exorcist as he busies himself with the food that sits in front of him. As if trying to ignore the redhead. As if trying to ignore the concern hidden in the jibe thrown at him.

"Shut up. And don't call me by my first name."

Taking up the chopsticks that have lain unused on the tray in front of him, Kanda takes some of the wasabi paste and stirs it into the soy sauce, making a conscious effort not to look in the older exorcist's direction. As he reaches for the sliced green onions to place in the sauce as well, his irritation gets the best of him. Locking Lavi with a glare out of the corner of his eyes, he scoffs.

"Besides, you were also pretty beat up last night if I remember correctly. Covered in blood and spacing out like an idiot..."

The lopsided grin is suddenly gone, first replaced by a slightly taken aback expression and then with a hesitant smile as the Bookman's apprentice stares off into the distance, his eyes focusing on nothing in particular. Kanda frowns minutely upon seeing how the smile does not even come close to reaching the redhead's eyes. The Japanese youth's confusion only gets stronger at the response he receives.

"Oh...really?"

Setting the chopsticks down, Kanda suddenly focuses all his attention on Lavi. Turning slightly on the bench so he can get a better look at the older exorcist that stands behind him, he sends a look of confusion, irritation and concern at the Bookman's apprentice. He opens his mouth to voice his worry but is cut off.

"So, is it ok if I come over to your room tonight?"

Taken aback by the sudden change in topic, all Kanda can do is look incredulously back at Lavi.

"What?"

But the Bookman's apprentice doesn't seem perturbed by the Japanese exorcist's reaction in the least. That fake smile broadening ever so slightly, looking more and more forced.

"We haven't seen each other in such a long time. I thought we could swap stories or something."

And as soon as the words have left his mouth, the redheaded exorcist is turning away. That damn smile still on his face. As if their earlier conversation never happened. As if whatever happened yesterday...

_...because you can't tell me that nothing happened..._

...never happened. Too startled by the suddenness of it all, Kanda can only stare blankly as Lavi turns away. It's not until Lavi speaks again that Kanda is able to snap himself out of it.

"So, will see ya later then!"

"What? Wait!"

The words leave his mouth before he can stop them, his body, acting of its own accord, pushes itself up as if to follow after the Bookman's apprentice, the food that lies before him now completely forgotten. As Lavi turns to look at him with a questioning look on his face, Kanda finds his determination slipping. Kanda Yu does not show compassion towards others. Kanda Yu does not worry about others' well being. Kanda Yu does not focus on anything other than the mission. To do otherwise would go against who Kanda Yu is, what Kanda Yu stands for.

_But after all...we're only human._

"You...yesterday...what...?"

It's not like the Japanese youth to be unable to put his thoughts into words. Usually when he has something he wants to say, he has no qualms about saying it. But as Lavi looks at him, the questioning look on his face fading away to be replaced once again with that hideous, fake smile, Kanda finds himself grasping for words, unable to isolate the concerns that are running rampant in his mind, let alone voice them coherently. And Lavi's smile, that infuriating smile, only widens as he cocks his head to the side, his voice sickeningly playful.

"Hm? Yeah?"

Realizing that this conversation will get nowhere, Kanda simply decides to drop it. Turning away from the older exorcist, he slowly sits back down, trying to convince himself that it's none of his business. If Lavi doesn't want to talk about it, if Lavi wants to act like nothing happened, then it's not his place to say otherwise. Unconsciously he lets out a frustrated sigh as he once again picks up the forgotten chopsticks.

"N-nevermind. Forget it."

Lavi's smile doesn't fade as he eyes Kanda, confused. He blinks once, wondering what it is the Japanese youth wanted to ask. Shrugging it off, the redhead chuckles quietly and shakes his head. Turning around again to leave, he looks over his shoulder at his fellow exorcist.

"Uh, ok. Though, ya know, Yu, you're acting a little strange today."

_No. _You_ are the one that's acting strange..._

* * *

Incessant knocking snaps Kanda out of his fitful sleep. Letting out an irritated sigh, he mumbles to whoever is at his door that he's coming. Not caring that his hair is probably in disarray, the Japanese exorcist simply removes the tie that had previously held it in place, throwing it onto the table next to the hourglass. Realizing he's only wearing the slacks from his uniform, he quickly slips on one of his shirts, only managing to button up the lower half of the shirt before yanking the door open irritably. When Kanda looks up to see Lavi's smiling face, he has to fight back the urge to punch him.

"You actually came."

The redheaded exorcist can only laugh at the venom-filled comment. Ignoring the death glare that the younger exorcist is sending him, Lavi pushes his way past Kanda, entering the room. Kanda, for his part, is still doing his best not to reach for Mugen and cause bodily harm to a fellow exorcist. Closing the door to his room, the Japanese exorcist turns, crosses his arms across his chest and glares daggers at the Bookman's apprentice.

"I don't have any stories to 'swap.'"

Lavi once again chuckles at Kanda's response, shaking his head. In the silence of the room his voice seems to echo off the walls.

"Yeah, yeah...I thought you'd say something like that."

The younger of the two can only look on confused, not understanding why the redhead would come if he knew Kanda would have nothing to say, if he knew Kanda would react just as he did. Just as he's about to voice his confusion and irritation, Lavi beats him to it.

_There are certain rules._

"But I guess I don't have anything to talk about either..."

Turning around, Kanda sees the older exorcist collapse face first onto his bed. His irritation beating out his confusion and concern, he snaps.

"What the hell!"

_No matter what your situation or burdens are..._

In reaction to Kanda's outburst, all Lavi can do is smile up at him. That same, stupid lop-sided grin of his that always makes the Japanese exorcist want to hit him.

_...you stand and carry those burdens alone._

"I just wanted to take a break, ya know..."

At seeing the Bookman's apprentice laying on his bed, staring off into space, his voice sounding so distant and lost, Kanda can't possibly stay angry at him for long. His irritation fading slightly, he lets out a frustrated sigh, closing his eyes to ward off an oncoming headache.

_Relying too heavily on others_

_or pushing your own feelings onto others is strictly taboo._

"If that's the case, go rest in your own room and not in mine."

_We're no longer naïve children_

_where these rules were incomprehensible._

Lavi just continues to stare off into space, looking as if he really would fall asleep at any moment. That fake smile of his softens, is replaced by a sadder, more honest smile. One that speaks of pain and loneliness. One that actually does reach the redhead's eyes, but not in a way that makes those eyes brighten. Seeing him like this makes Kanda's anger fade completely, only to be replaced by the concern that had him tongue-tied in the mess hall this morning.

"I just wanted to see ya, Yu."

Even though his anger has subsided, the Japanese exorcist is still too proud...still too scared...to try and let anyone in, to try and help a friend in need. Closing his eyes again to steel himself against the obvious pain his fellow exorcist is in, he simply turns his head away.

"I don't know what the hell has got you so down, but don't come annoying me with your problems. It's your problem, you do something about it."

_But..._

Lavi looks down, the smile completely falling away from his face. The lost expression on that face and the pain in those usually lively eyes make the Japanese exorcist regret his harsh words. Realizing that what he said may have been cold and yet having too much pride to apologize, Kanda says the only thing he can think of to make up for it.

"...this isn't like you."

_...we as humans are incapable of understanding everything_

_or of ridding ourselves of our emotions._

The Bookman's apprentice brings his arms up to rest under his head like a pillow as he continues to lock his gaze somewhere on the floor. He knows Kanda Yu well, more so than perhaps anyone else in the Order, or at least he likes to tell himself that. He knows that the Japanese exorcist is worried about him, that his cold words are actually his way of attempting to show that he cares without actually showing that he does. Sighing, Lavi closes his eyes.

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. This isn't like me, is it..."

_We're always measuring the distance that lies between us._

As if struck by lightning, Lavi suddenly snaps his eyes open, a frown forming on his lips. Unable to see the redheaded exorcist's face, Kanda doesn't notice the change. It's not until he hears the Bookman's apprentice speak that he realizes Lavi's attention has changed to something else entirely.

"Huh?"

Confused, Kanda can only look down at the older exorcist expectantly.

"What?"

Lavi's next question makes Kanda's blood freeze.

"Those bandages...aren't they the same bandages from this morning?"

The Japanese exorcist can find no words to express the emotions going through him. Lavi, who is used to his comrade's silence whenever he speaks to him, seems not to notice the hitch in Kanda's breathing, or so Kanda thinks. His problems are his own to bear. His own to deal with. His own to suffer through. There is no need to drag Lavi or anyone else down with him. But the Bookman's apprentice apparently disagrees, continuing on with his observations, seemingly oblivious to Kanda's discomfort.

"...you're not going to take them off?"

_We're above such unstable relationships._

"...or is it that you _can't_ take them off yet..."

Again, a statement. Not a question.

Feeling his heartbeat quicken, Kanda can do nothing but stare wide-eyed at the man lying on his bed. The statement lingers like a fog around them as the redhead slowly sits up, looking right at Kanda, his expression unreadable even to the Japanese youth. Kanda wants to refute the statement, to argue that he can remove the bandages whenever he pleases. But they both know that would be a lie.

"This... this means...it's slowed down again...hasn't it."

Another statement. Another burden Kanda is too weak to carry alone.

_These rules are absolute in order to maintain balance._

Before the Japanese exorcist can react, he finds himself being grasped by a strong hand, pulled and then flipped over so that his back lands on the bed. It's a tangle of limbs at first, and Kanda does his best to push the other exorcist off him. Yet even though he presses one of his hands up against Lavi's chest as he tries to push the redhead off of him, the older exorcist refuses to budge. And then somewhere in the midst of his struggling, Kanda finds himself looking up at a face he doesn't recognize. Lavi, or who he thought was Lavi, looks down at him with such desperation and hopelessness in his eyes that Kanda is once again left speechless. Trying to regain some sort of control over the current situation, he glares up at the redhead.

"What the hell...! Watch what you're...!"

Before he can finish his tirade, Kanda is cut off by a voice that almost seems to be detached from the person hovering above him. The pain that permeates even the walls as that voice echoes off of them leave Kanda gazing up at the redheaded exorcist, eyes wide, unable to find his voice in his shock.

"How much longer..."

_But sometimes these rules are merely irritating hindrances._

"How much longer will you be able to be with us...with me...like this, Yu?"

Kanda's eyes widen even more at the question that leaves the redhead's mouth. All thoughts of yelling at Lavi die on the long-haired exorcist's lips as he looks up into those eyes filled with fear and desperation.

"H-hey...really...what's wrong?"

"Last night...that was human blood..."

Not sure he heard right, all Kanda can do is look at Lavi in shock, his hand, now forgotten, still placed on the redhead's chest as if to push him away. The Bookman's apprentice for his part continues to look down at the Japanese exorcist, staring down at him but looking through him at the same time, making the long-haired youth all the more worried for his comrade.

"What?"

The older exorcist continues with his story as if he doesn't hear Kanda, continues looking down at the Japanese youth beneath him without actually seeing him. Lavi's expression is still pained even as a small smile starts to tug at the corner of his lips.

"He was a good guy...and it's my fault he died."

Realization hits Kanda as he looks up at Lavi, knowing full well what is going on through the older exorcist's head. The Japanese exorcist's expression does not change but the sympathy in his eyes is enough for Lavi to know that Kanda understands. That Kanda has been through the same thing before. And yet even knowing that someone else understands doesn't make the pain go away. Something that Kanda is well aware of.

"You..."

Whether the following words are going to be a cold retort as to how weak the Bookman's apprentice is or whether Kanda is actually going to show some sort of sympathy for Lavi no longer matters, for the older exorcist interrupts Kanda before he can finish voicing his thoughts.

"Human life is so fragile...I knew that...but..."

It is now Kanda's turn to stare off into space, looking up at the man above him without really seeing him. The Japanese youth's voice sounds distant, even to his own ears, but he can't stop the words from coming out of his lips. Nor can he stop the emotion that fills his usually emotionless voice.

"There's nothing we can do about it. Anything that has a limit placed on it will eventually come to an end. It all just comes down to whether that end comes sooner or later."

Kanda is immediately snapped out of his thoughts when he feels a hand slip under his shirt, slowly massaging the skin underneath. Being as distant as he is, as he always has been, he has never known intimacy of any kind. And perhaps it is because of this that the Japanese youth finds himself responding to the gentle caress. But just as his body begins to respond, Kanda's mind panics and he finds himself struggling against the body above him, the hand that is placed on the chest of the older exorcist moving to Lavi's wrist to try and stop whatever it is that the Bookman's apprentice has in mind

"Wha...what the...you bastard! What the hell do you think you're doing!"

Lavi immediately stops, withdrawing his hand as he pulls himself up so that he is now kneeling over the Japanese exorcist, his hands on either side of Kanda's head to support his body weight. His eyes boring holes into Kanda's, filled with pain and a desperation that Kanda has never seen in anyone's eyes, let alone Lavi's.

"Are you going to leave me behind, too, Yu?"

Kanda blinks at hearing Lavi's words. He wants nothing more than to throw the Bookman's apprentice off of him, to punch the stupid redhead in the face and shove him out of his room. But he can't seem to calm the chaos raging in his mind, let alone exert enough force to push Lavi away. Lavi still looks ready to fall apart any minute. As if the slightest motion to pull away, physically or verbally, will push him over the edge. The Japanese exorcist opens his mouth to say something comforting, hoping to calm the redhead and snap him back to his senses. But just as Kanda is about to speak, Lavi lowers his head and starts placing soft but almost-desperate kisses down the Japanese exorcist's neck. Kanda's entire body freezes in shock before he once again tries to push Lavi away. All thoughts of trying to comfort the Bookman's apprentice disappear as panic once again takes over.

"G-get a hold of yourself! Y-you don't know what the hell you're doing!"

Lavi once again stops, pulling back only slightly so that his face is merely inches away from Kanda's. The confusion and panic that the Japanese exorcist is feeling is written all over his face, his hands still pressed against Lavi's chest as he tries to push the redhead away. But even so, Lavi can't stop himself. As if trying to calm a cornered animal, the redhead brings a hand up to gently caress Kanda's face. Slowly trailing his fingers down the length of Kanda's arm, Lavi brings it to rest on the wrist of one of the hands attempting to push him away. The Bookman's apprentice then forces that damn smile on his face again, his voice so broken that it takes Kanda a minute to register that it is Lavi who is speaking to him.

"Please...please, Yu...I can't do this alone anymore."

Hearing Lavi say these words out loud is too much for the Japanese youth, once again leaving him at a loss. As he feels Lavi's lips descend upon his own, Kanda can't find it in him to push the redhead away...

_This breaks all the rules._


End file.
